Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Introspection...

I have been feeling very introspective lately and I don't know why it is. Normally I just talk about myself to other people in terms of what I have done, where I have been, or what sports teams I care about, etc. For some reason I am having feelings like trying to figure out what is going on with me. Inside of me. Things that I normally don't notice or react to. It may be because of my crazy last 2 weeks. It may be because of some things that Grant and Russ are going through with career issues. It could just mean that I am maturing.... nah, probably not that last one.

Anyway, I hate to say that I am not "happy" because that is not true. I have absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be happy. I have a good job, a really nice house, a very loving family, and great friends. Those are the basics in life that make us happy. But I feel as though there is something missing. Well, maybe missing is the wrong word also. Maybe I just need to make some adjustments, rearrange my life a little bit. Maybe my priorities are a bit out of kilter right now. That could be where some of these feelings are coming from.

I know it is not coming from work, because I can't really complain about things there. I am a bit scared about the big project I wrote about before, but it is definitely a good thing for me, so that's not it.

Maybe its my house. Underneath it all, I am actually a neat freak. You would NEVER guess that from the looks of my place. But I am able to hide it very well that my mess bothers me!! So why don't I just get off my ass and work on cleaning it up, you may be saying. Well...... That may come from a feeling of laziness. Maybe that is where this feeling of unrest in my life is coming from. I may actually be a lazy person!!!

This is kind of scary... I have prided myself on being active, but now I am saying that I could actually be lazy! That must be why I am feeling confused and "unhappy." My subconscious is telling me to do something about it. It is telling me that I am not the person that I thought I was, so I better kick my own ass into gear and shake things up. Wow... this introspective thing is rather frightening.

I guess I need to figure out what the source of this laziness is then. Why am I having these feelings. I have a plan to clean things up and make some changes, but when it actually comes down to it, I end up just turning on TV and sitting on the couch, or playing with the dogs, or getting on the computer. Occasionally going to the gym or a bike ride or a run. I think I have a lot of things that need to be changed!

It could be that I am just unmotivated. But why?? I really need to spend some time away from things. I have noticed that TV may actually have a lot to do with it. I usually never have trouble finding something on to watch, so that's the easy way out... "I'm not feeling up to doing _____, let me just see what's on the tube." "Oh, I love this show, I have to watch it!!"

I wonder if it has something to do with supervision. If I have someone to regulate what I do, then I am forced to do it. Without that, I am just unmotivated and lazy. It's time for change. I am not sure how I need to go about this, or even what exactly that I need to do, but I am ready to do something about it. I just hope that I am able find the motivation to start this in motion!

3 comments:

Um...why? said...

Sounds like you need a woman in your life other than mom. Most women can certainly find a way to get you off your lazy butt and doing something like cleaning the house. That being said, they come with the problem of extended mall trips and the tv trays are certainly out of the question.

Jamy said...

I sure know how you feel. If I can get myself to tidy up the house once a week, that's good. I don't even have cable and I get sucked into the TV trap.

I have to disagree with david m.'s comment, though. I have a large collection of trays for the express purpose of resting my plate while I watch TV. And I hate the mall.

Tyler said...

David- I would not be against a woman in my life, but I don't think the TV trays need to go.

Jamy- Its good to know I'm not the only one. And its also good to know that there are women like you with trays and anti-mall. I knew they existed!